So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
