i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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