you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
