I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
