We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
