It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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