Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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