Your face is a jimmy john
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
