we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
