I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
