I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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