Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
