He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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