Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
