Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
