Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
