im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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