I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
