I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
