My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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