so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
