she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's blow job season.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
