Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
