It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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