dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
