my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
