I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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