I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
