I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
