He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
