You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
