The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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