how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
