Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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