He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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