$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My vagina just recognized that song.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
