I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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