i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
