I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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