My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
