i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
