I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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