I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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