i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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