im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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