So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
