is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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