i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
