Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i think i just lost a toe
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