I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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