I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
