my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
