Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
