I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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